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Befriending uncertainty

Or how voicing uncertainty can guide you to certainty

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For a long time, I lived by an unspoken rule: to speak only when I felt sure of what I wanted to say. I learned early on that if you aren’t certain you’re right, it’s safer to say nothing; saying something wrong could get you hurt, make you look foolish, or even hurt someone else. So, to make sure not to get hurt again, I was only to speak when I knew I wouldn’t regret it, change my mind, or have it held against me. Certainty would be the way to protect myself from causing hurt.

When you live by this rule, you’ll quickly experience that there’s a LOT you can’t say. You come to realise how much in life has no certainty at all.

Under this rule, I found myself saying almost nothing in social groups. If I felt the slightest doubt, I’d go mute— the less I said, the scarier it became to voice anything. In many cases, I couldn’t even really feel like I had anything to say; I’d not just be mute, I’d be blank. Sometimes, my thoughts and feelings would find me again, hours later (“I should’ve said this and done that!”). With that now trapped in my shy mind, I’d be ruminating the rest of the day away. My need for certainty would become the very thing that caused hurt by bringing distance, self-doubt, and rumination.

If you relate to this, know that you are alone. You might also, like me, find it helpful to try out speaking from a new place: a place of certain uncertainty. Several psychological approaches highlight the different benefits it can bring to learn to disclose uncertainty and speculate out loud. I’d like to highlight three psychological perspectives, all pointing to different benefits that learning to give voice to your uncertainty can bring – and how that might be exactly what will guide you to certainty within yourself along the way.

Existential approach: How voicing the uncertain can help you live life more fully and authentically

There is no denying the certain reality of uncertainty. Irvin D. Yalom, a key figure in existential psychotherapy, highlights how uncertainty is not a problem to be eliminated; it’s a condition of life. In Yalom’s existential view, uncertainty is intrinsic to the human experience. Denying uncertainty to exist is to deny life as it is. Therefore, in order to embrace life fully; you must learn to tolerate its ambiguity. To speak from a place of uncertainty, rather than to deny it, is to face life as it is, honestly and courageously (Yalom, 1980).

And you don’t even have to do it alone. Furthermore, Yalom advocates for voicing what comes to you in the here-and-now; especially when thoughts or feelings are not fully formed. Voicing doubts opens up a shared space for co-exploration. When naming confusion or vagueness (eg, “I’m not sure how to understand this, could you elaborate?”), you invite the other to help you find what is true. This way, it can relieve you from the lonely angst of holding the frail mask of confidence, always at risk of falling off.

“What is between us must be talked about, and if it cannot be talked about, that is what must be talked about.”

— Irvin Yalom (2002)

Recognising uncertainty as a condition of life, every human being on earth experiences it. There is nothing embarrassing about it.

The cognitive-behavioral (CBT) approach: How voicing the uncertain can relieve you from rumination

From a CBT viewpoint, uncertainty often fuels worry because we spin it into endless “what if” scenarios inside our enclosed thoughts. Michel J. Dugas and Robert Ladouceur, leading researchers on generalized anxiety disorder, identify intolerance of uncertainty as a key driver of excessive worry and rumination.

Take this example: you make a comment to a friend, and later you wonder if it upset them. You become unsure- and that uncertainty starts multiplying: What if they’re angry? What if they still resent me for something last year? What if they don’t want to see me anymore? Soon, you’ve rehearsed over a dozen catastrophic endings to the story, each one pulling you further away from reality and deeper into anxiety.

In order to interrupt this spiral, CBT points to the effects of inviting corrective feedback. By saying your worry out loud – “I’m not sure if that comment bothered you” – you move it from an internal loop into a testable statement. Now the other person can respond with information you didn’t have.

For many, this is much easier said than done, though. The what-ifs can easily enclose their claws around this one, too: what if I get the answer that I fear? What if I use the wrong words? What if I don’t know what to do with the feedback that I get? Sometimes it may not go the way we hoped for, but often it can relieve it entirely. Either way, one thing will be certain: at least I will know better. And, according to Dugas and Ladouceur, it invites the chance of relieving you of the many hours spent on worry and rumination.

The interrelational approach: How voicing the uncertain will lead you to stronger connections

Relational psychology starts with the idea that we grow through our relationships: we change, heal, and discover ourselves in and through connection to others. This means that voicing uncertainty isn’t just about self-expression; it’s about building trust and relationships – and how that in turn helps us know ourselves better (Carroll, P.J., Rios, K., & Oleson, 2025).

When silent speculations aren’t shared aloud, it takes away the possibility of mutual understanding. Without openness, there’s no chance for your speculations to be confirmed or disproven, and misunderstandings can fester unchallenged, leaving unspoken distance between you. Voicing uncertainty can, for many, seem like it creates more distance than just slurring out the “I totally agree” – whether you mean it or not. On the contrary, when we disclose doubt, we show the other person that we’re willing to be influenced by them and that we’re open to seeing things differently: it’s an invitation for connection..

By expressing uncertainty in a relationship, we allow the other person to meet us, opening space for mutual recognition rather than performance or pretense. From a relational psychological perspective, this is where we can feel most close to others; by allowing them to truly see us with the uncertainties we (inevitably) carry with us. Connecting with others is not merely about meeting the other where they are; it is about allowing the other to meet you where you are, too.

Try it out; wondering can be wonderful

Speaking from uncertainty can feel risky. It can stir anxiety, open you to correction, or even reveal truths you wish weren’t so. The challenge is to resist the pull toward silence or premature certainty. The reward may be a deeper, truer relationship with yourself and with reality as it actually is; more certain in yourself than ever before. If this sounds like a challenge you might benefit from too, but find it all a little scary, remember you don’t have to throw yourself directly into the deep. Allow yourself to dip your toes in low waters and ease your way in by stating insecurities that don’t seem too risky to share. As it may turn out, certainty isn’t meant to come before we share, but because we share.

References:

Irvin B. Yalom (1980), Existential Psychology
Irvin B. Yalom (2002), A Gift of Therapy
Ladouceur, R., Freeston, M., & Dugas, M. (1997). Intolerance of Uncertainty and Problem Orientation in Worry1. Cognitive Therapy & Research, 21(6), 593–606.
Carroll, P.J., Rios, K., & Oleson, K.C. (Eds.). (2025). The Routledge Handbook of the Uncertain Self (2nd ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003363385